Full disclosure: this is going to be a long post! It was not my original intention however, I began writing the first half while at my previous position and now circumstances have changed. So it will all end up coming full circle…bare with me, there may be some relatable insight on this roller coaster of emotions or you may think I’m a crazy pants and get some laughs in for the day! 🙂 LOL
3 weeks ago….
It’s a fact of life. Change is bound to happen. No matter how much we try to control the inevitable on our own. Change will come. Good or bad. Happy or sad. We become so comfortable in our routines. We can even become satisfied within the chaos if it is something we are accustomed to, then when something great comes along, we get scared, doubt and run back to the chaos in which we have become complacent.
The last two years I have been praying unceasingly for God to allow me to exchange jobs. My current position has been a blessing in a lot of ways however the environment has been toxic and at times fearful. A couple weeks ago I received a message out of the blue from a friend about a position she knew I had wished for in the past. In that moment I knew God was finally opening the door. He had heard my prayers. The wait was over at last.
I was elated for a brief moment.
Then as ashamed as I am to admit it, a wave of emotions flooded in.
Is now really the right time? Is this really what God is wanting me to do? Maybe I’m actually meant to say no.
I just got my raise. This position would be so much better, healthier and safer but I wouldn’t make as much. You need more money to pay off debt…not less. What if I put my husband in extra unnecessary financial stress? He just had another heart scare. He doesn’t need any more stress. What if instead of benefiting my family I am being selfish and lead us to ruin rather then ameliorating us.
Why am I having all these thoughts in the first place? If this is what God wants me to do why am I scared or nervous? Every time he gives me what I want, I prefer to run back in the wrong direction rather than trusting what he has in store. I can give great advice to others but I can’t even get my own thoughts/actions straightened out without questioning God.
To follow was more prayer and a discussion with hubby to confirm this was the right decision.
A couple days later I met up with my friend and soon to be boss and accepted the position.
Again more doubt. More fear. More shame because of the doubt and fear.
There are only three of us that work in my current office. My co-worker had just submitted his two weeks and now here I was getting ready to do the same.
God’s timing really is everything.
I swear he really does have a sense of humor ;).
After tying my stomach in knots for almost a week the day finally came in to talk to my current boss.
What if he fires me? What if he yells at me, he gets angry at the drop of a dime. I’ve always tried to be an upstanding employee and this is not the way I intended to put my two weeks in when the time came. Oh God pllleeeaasseee help this to go well….
And it did. Way better than I thought. He was bummed but rather than anger I received praise. He told me I was the best employee he had ever had (Trust me coming from him that is a HUGE compliment) and that if I ever wanted to come back he would make room for me (not that I would ever consider that unless absolutely necessary-lol!) I couldn’t believe how well it went. Immediately following a wait had been lifted off my shoulders.
All that worry for nothing.
When God is in control of our lives, he will always work out all things together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose. (Romans 8:28)
To top it all off on my last day of employment, my boss presented me with a thoughtful card thanking me for my hard work, a $25 dollar gift card to a local coffee shop and two tickets for hubby and I to see Justin Moore in concert. My mind was blown! After all the daily torment it just felt great to know it wasn’t for nothing. I was noticed. I was appreciated. I would genuinely be missed.
Fast forward to present day…
I must be crazy.
At the beginning of this post I found it unnecessary to go into detail regarding the job I was previously employed and the one I began yesterday but it would be beneficial at this point.
In a few weeks I went from working at a staffing agency as an HR administrative assistant, hiring, firing, conversing with supervisors and owners of local companies of whom would ask for me even when they knew my boss answered, to working at the daycare at my daughters school chasing around six 18 month olds and doing everything I can to keep them from climbing tables and hitting each other (Its been a while now since my girls where this age but they are amazing escape artists, they will put toys in front of the baby gate to try to stand on and get over! Geez!)
As of now its only been two days and I’ve caught myself at several moments all ready beginning to doubt.
What did I do? Is it too late to call up my old boss and beg for my job back? He said he would “make” room for me so I should always have a job there…..right?
There’s no way this is going to get better. These little ones are already wearing me out. How am I supposed to have enough energy to be the best mom I can be for my own daughters.
I turned in a comfy office job with more pay for screaming toddlers and less….is this really what I wanted?! In my mind I pictured fun arts and crafts, teaching colors/how to pray and helping them to know how much Jesus truly loves them. I can’t do any of that the way I was thinking at this age…
How. How. How. What if. What if. What if. Doubt. Doubt. Doubt.Shame. Shame. Shame.
The endless vicious cycle.
It never ends.
The list of pros and cons continues.
The Fact of the matter is letting go and trusting God.
I may be tired but God will give me strength.
I may be worried about being a good mom but God will lead me and guide me. He made me their mother, specifically me for a reason.
I see my husband less than the already few minutes we got to spend together during the week but God will strengthen our marriage and he is the center of it all.
Our finances may be challenged by this new endeavor but God always provides.
What if… But God.
This article doesn’t have near enough detail to cover the depth of emotions and God’s truth as I would have liked but that will have to come at a later day.
Today I got to see my big 1st grader 3 different times throughout the day. I got to bring my youngest in class with me for the remaining hour while hubby went to work.
It’s a funny thing, I don’t believe in coincidences and almost exactly a year ago this month it was arranged I would be working at the daycare and quitting my job. So for a month I worked both jobs. My full time job and then for 3 hours I worked in the daycare until the end of the month when the plan was for me to quit and then move up to full time at the daycare. At the time I was in the baby room taking care of 6-9 month olds.
Most of those kids that where in the class as babies are now the same ones in my current class.
They may be young. I may be crazy, but maybe, just maybe, God’s timing really is everything. Maybe I am meant to be with those same kids. Loving on them. Being kind and patient to them. Even though they are still to young to comprehend the truths I wish I could really teach them, I can assist in introducing them to the love of Jesus simply by loving them as he does. Reading stories to them they may catch bits or pieces of. Singing songs that stick in their head and they may mumble one or two words of later.
God gave me what I asked for. In his timing. Everything will be according to his plan as long as I am allowing him to lead.
I pray that you would use me according to your will in this next season of life. That I would become more and more the woman that you created me to be. Father I pray that if anyone else who may be reading this is struggling with decision making, what if’s, doubt, fear, shame, that you would be an encouragement to them. That they would remember that you are ultimately in control. Help us to give you the reigns. Help us to trust you above all Lord. Help us not to be afraid of change or wherever you are leading us because wherever we go, you are already there going before us and holding our hands every step of the way. Thank you Lord for never abandoning us. For never giving up on us. For putting up with us even in our petty moments. To yours be the glory and the power forever. In your precious name Jesus.